Hello World

The blog¹ is an important aspect of the much-lauded “Care in the Community” treatment for the mentally-handicapped. Mental patients are invited to express their fears, suspicions, experiences and cravings by means of one of these occasionally-updated internet logs. The use of blogs as a general source of information and entertainment by a surprising number of Internet-users is therefore discouraged.

The concept of “blogging” is said to have originated in the Amazonian rainforest, where European explorers observed the native hunter-gatherers communicating by means of high-pitched whining and long-drawn-out musical glossolalia. Although no actual information was ever conveyed by this meaningless prancing, the locals appeared to enjoy the sight and sound of each other’s attempts and dancing along with them.

Due to their fragile mental state, bloggers can readily be identified online by their sub-normal writing ability, constant and pervasive paranoia, fondness for wildly implausible philosophical theories², and severely under-developed sense of irony and/or humor³.

1– A certified smug bastard should be able to spout crap until the proverbial cows come home⁷.

2– Philosophy⁴ is a psychological disorder that causes people to endlessly ponder the in(s)ane, the improvable, and the pointless rather than go out and get a job. It is classified under obsessive/compulsive disorders in the American Assoc. Catalog of Psychic Dissociative Disorders, DSM 5 (Volume IIIV pg. 1546, section 172, lines 45-21). The purpose of studying philosophy is to disprove your religion, your scientific methodology, the laws of your entire civilization, your ethics, and the existence of that chair you’re sitting on (although not convincingly enough as to make you feel you have to stand up). Bonus points are awarded for disproving that you disproved it.

Philosophy has avoided adopting either a purpose or a method, and therefore it is immune to most criticism, since you can never point out that it failed to reach its goal or work as advertised. If you are foolish enough to try to criticize philosophy anyway, your statements will simply become absorbed into the morass as yet another branch of philosophy.

Unlocking the potentially godlike power contained within the complex maze known as human soul is the greatest challenge mankind is faced with. The human’s spirit is a Pandora’s Box, waiting to be opened. However, reflecting the moral of the story of Pandora, the contents of the box may be better off kept locked away from humans. I believe that the vast potential of human thought will decide for itself when it should be tapped into, meaning that only when humans are ready to have such power will they realize their full potential. If our latent abilities are indeed as powerful as the great science fiction authors would have us believe, then picture the devastation that only one power-starved person could cause by abusing the powers of a god. This super-human would destroy needlessly, as mankind does now, only on a universal scale. It is clearly unwise that anyone short of a god should wield that kind of power, because no human could avoid being corrupted by an unlimited energy source.

Humans already have more power than any other known entity, and we are using it to destroy each other and our home with purposeless wars, genocide, and our lack of concern for nature. If a human had that kind of power, he would use it for personal gain and evil. In order to achieve that kind of godlike power, I think humanity first must purify itself to the point of absolute perfection, because if a man becomes perfect, he is no longer a man. He is a god, and only a god should have that kind of power.

Every living creature contains a perpetually vast well of inaccessible energy. But in order for the seed of godliness to take root, one must plant it in the soil of perfection, because only then will it grow into what it could be. Perhaps the god that created this universe was once a creature, or perhaps an entire race of creatures, or even an entire plane of being known as a universe that, as a whole, achieved perfection, and, in one single moment of absolute wonder, this creature or species or universe became one with itself and became a god, left with the infinite blank canvas called space, on which the new god must create something tainted, must paint a picture in white and black, and with the celestial and limitless hands of the deities, the god must either guide the warped and twisted painting to a white, perfect canvas akin to the one the god itself sprung from, or watch the universe destroy itself until the canvas is completely black, at which point the god must start over, discarding the destroyed universe, blackened by the very fools who want more than anything to become pure. But with such a fierce will to grow, the paradox of the harsh, misguided fertilizer of human passion can turn on the plant and destroy it completely. Humanity is headed towards a black, mangled canvas, and one can only hope that the god of our universe will help us to recover from the damage we have caused to our planet.

3– You know why an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters could never write a great novel? Lack of competition! Give an infinite number of monkeys a finite number of typewriters – then we’ll get somewhere.

4– Bullshit is not made of metal or paper or plastic, like most currencies. It is a verbalized monetary system: value is based on the linguistic prowess of the user. Thus it is not distributed based on wealth; any person can have as much BS as they want, as long as they are capable of producing it. Those who can or will not produce must rely on more pedestrian forms of currency⁵ to get by.

5– Honesty⁶

6– Alright. I’m not going to lie to you: I thought, for a second, just a tantalizing, titillating second, about not being honest in this blog. But I can’t do it. I wanted to write about the topic of ‘Honesty’ and fill it with lies, lies, dreadful lies, to fulfill my own sick urges. But I can’t lie to you, with your big, beautiful, trusting, strangely inhuman eyes, with your naive mind so full of innocence and glee. Here you come, onto mein blog, thinking, (always thinking!) that this was a source of valid information, a Kampf of fact. “Hey, maybe I’ll check out his new honest blog” you thought to yourself, you clever fool you. But unbeknownst to you, a conspiracy was afoot. Forces conspire against you, even now, to spread ‘misinformation’ and ‘lies.’ I know this. I once trafficked in this dark art. It’s only through a court order and the distant twanging of my nearly-strangled conscience that I reveal this truth to you. I hope there’s something I can do to make this up to you.

Something easy, hopefully, that won’t require much work on my part. And if there is, we can both be reasonably assured that I’ll never complete it. That’s what Honesty is like sometimes.

Take this knowledge and use it. Sleep with it. Brush your teeth with it. Adopt it. This information could save you someday⁴.

7–Adding the word “proverbial” to almost any sentence makes it sound vastly⁸ more authoritative.

8–The same proverbially applies for the word “vastly”.

~ by davenewworld on January 3, 2006.