GARBAGE DAY!!!
They say if you are going to write, you ought to write about what you know. If this is any kind of axiom, then the author will soon prove that he is a veritable mastermind of pretentiousness. I could define it for you, but it is better understood through experience. For this, we must draw on your personal experiences. Often pretentious people are considered jerks, but not always, and in each case, it is only due to a deep misunderstanding. The true pretentious individual will only make you feel as if perhaps you do not quite know what you are talking about or that you should be preferring his opinions rather than your own. A pretentious person may make you feel stupid, but usually, that is not his intention and has more to do with your own insecurities. Also, a pretentious person is not necessarily a close-minded one, although often he is thought or presumed to be.
Pretentiousness is a specific trait, usually growing without notice, not unlike mold in woodwork. And though it may not have outward signs, sooner or later, some inspector or visitor will come along and say, “You’ve got mold.” And then there will be the question of whether or not you should be rid of it. “Not all mold is bad,” you’ll say. How do I know this is the bad kind?” Or if you are especially sagacious, you might ask, “Is there a way to harness this culture into something useful, rather than to merely eradicate it without considering first various options and possibilities?” (This latter path is the one of arrogance.)
If someone has pointed out a kind of raw arrogance or pretentiousness on your part, as yet un-honed or cultivated in any way, and you believe that such work may benefit you, this blog is for you. However, if you prefer to pursue a path of total humility wherein you will make friends but impress no one, then reading what follows can still be used as a source of argumentative preparation for future confrontations, so you also should read this. If you are neither of these, but believe you have the mental capacity to understand complex topics beyond your realm of experience, then also, read on. And those of you who have been insulted by any of these statements or have continued dwelling on the whole masculine-preference thing, I’m sure have already moved on. That all being said, we are now free to explore the art and benefits of pretentiousness unhindered.
The first thing to prepare yourself for, in the opening steps of developing your own pretentiousness is, curiously enough, being humbled. It may seem strange that to develop pretentiousness you must learn to be humbled with grace, but it is vital. The difference between a pretentious jerk and a smart-person-who-is-also-pretentious lies in the degree to which you will want to be right for right’s sake versus realize quickly and readily when you are wrong. If you accept some ignorance or misunderstanding on your part, you take on what the other person is saying before it can be a point against you. Let us say we are discussing something about which you know nothing or very little. You can still retain your veil of pretentiousness. That veil which says I am independent and stand firmly on my own feet, and also, I am in one way or another, better than you. (I am not going to go through the effort of defining “better”, just use any ole dictionary for the meaning.)
Watch this exchange:
“And that is why, based on all those examples, the human race will shortly be destroying itself.”
“That is very interesting. And I have to admit, that I had never before researched it as thoroughly as you obviously have.” Whereas, if you argue with the person, even if you suspect he is wrong, you come across as a moron, because you don’t know for sure. Though, often you don’t need to. Being pretentious requires a complete cultivation of your character, in all aspects, this is only one of them.
Being pretentious is shaky ground at times. You’ll come across others who seem to be better than you. And you’ll have to collect yourself to discern how the reverse is actually true. This can be a harrowing moment. You’ll ask yourself: “Has my entire sense of identity been predicated on lies and illusion?” If you have formulated the fundamentals of your pretentiousness well, and are comfortable with them, you will come through these difficult times with ease and without so much as a tremor passing over your face: the veil better preserved than a jar of Schmucker’s Raspberry Jam stored five miles below the Earth’s rapidly disintegrating Eco-Sphere.
But how do you formulate such a foundation? The first thing you need to determine is what your pretentiousness is founded upon. It can be virtually anything. You could be a sanitation worker whose pretentiousness bases itself on the fact that without you, the rest of us would be surrounded by piles of refuse and in time, the boundaries and roles of society would collapse, disease and pestilence would run rampant like immortals causing mayhem through Troy while Greeks pillage and plunder. You, the last and first bastion of civilization: the Alpha and the Omega.
Or you could be someone who reads books, and as a result, knows more than others. Pretentiousness, therefore, can be founded on knowledge or action or both. No matter what it is, there will be limitations and strengths. The next thing you need to determine is how you are separate from others (i.e. the public).
The Sanitation worker may say, “I am willing to do what few others are,” or, “My steady daily work provides the foundation upon which all civilization not only occurs, but is made possible.” (If you said this last part before I suggested it, then you are doing great! If not, that’s another reason why I am better than you, and you still have a way to go. Don’t fret, it won’t always be this way. I’ve been a confirmed pretentious person since I’ve started using the internet. You may only now be discovering your pretentious roots. Though one day, with hard work, you too could be better than everyone else.)
Here’s another example. The college professor could say, “I know how civilization operates, and were it not for me and people like me, civilization would stagnate, the populace would devolve into mindless unthinking automatons.” And you could go on to point at all the automatons around you. (Don’t do this too often, it breeds arrogance which you need to stay away from. Arrogance is the dark side of pretentiousness. And once you start down that path, it can be a bit difficult to turn around and come back. Many people ask what the difference is: if I’m better than everyone else, isn’t that arrogance? I’ve heard this question from many people. And I always say: you don’t get it—you provincial fool!)
Here’s an explanation: arrogance is thinking you are better than everyone else. The practice of the art of pretentiousness renders actually being better. Part of being better means acting the part: those who are better don’t generally go around treating others like dirt. That is arrogance. Pretentiousness appreciates the individual’s capacity for growth and understanding, why else would you bother to take the time to explain yourself or reform others? (Two key activities the pretentious individual not merely ought to, but must engage in.) If you do not understand the difference, consider these two interactions:
“I am a bank teller.”
“Banks steal money from others, they deserve to be destroyed.”
(Gee, what a jerk, the teller thinks.)
Versus:
“Hi, I’m a bank teller.”
“Nice to meet you. What kind of bank teller are you? That is, do you work with monetary exchanges between individuals and institutions? I’ve read a little about this, and there are some fundamental concepts I’d be interested in hearing your views on.”
(What a nice fellow.)
Most people would simply say that the second one is friendlier. But it is more than that. Arrogant people tend to be jerks and seem to enjoy acting this out at every opportunity. Pretentious ones though, give you an opportunity to learn from them (so that you can begin to see or perhaps perceive how they are better.) The second one didn’t seem particularly pretentious. But let’s see what happens when we pair the bank teller and the sanitation worker. Let’s think about the sanitation worker: what response would be fitting there? He or she’s probably not read anything about banks. Let’s take a look:
“Hi, I’m a bank teller.”
“That is a great job. Without you, where would the rest of us be? In our homes hoarding our cash. None of us would ever go out. Ha ha ha.”
“Ha ha ha. You’re funny. It’s not all that big a deal… so, what do you do?”
“I serve and protect the foundations of civilization.”
“Ooo. That sounds important, and it must be hard.”
“You have no idea. But let’s go out to dinner and I’ll tell you about it.”
“O.K. Here’s my phone number.”
Clearly, pretentiousness has its perks. In both cases, the bank teller (one obviously oblivious to the power of pretentiousness) is treated respectfully and as a human being. What we find is that it’s not the particulars that matter so much as the application. Additionally, that the application must not in any way ignore the sense of the receiver: the other person (arrogance completely disregards the other person). Remember, just because you are better than everyone else, doesn’t mean you can act like you’re god’s gift to the world. We all dislike people like that. And a pretentious person does not presume to know; they rely on empirical deduction and facts combined with understanding.
So, let’s put this to practice.
Sanitation worker:
Facts: Removes refuse or ensure safe disposal of waste.
Deduction: Were it not for this role, garbage would accumulate.
Understanding: It is important to perform this role for the function of society, and therefore, civilization. Ergo, without me, society and civilization would fall in upon itself and give way to chaos and anarchy, which, while O.K. for a fun time every now and then, should generally be avoided. (Sacking of ancient or modern cities not-withstanding.)
Academic
Facts: Studies and teaches things (often completely esoteric and without relevance outside of the academic environment).
Deduction: Were it not for this role, these esoteric, nonsensical things would be forgotten, new theoretical mysteries would not be uncovered because no one else cares about them, and also, no one would teach in the colleges—instead there would be sports and nothing else. (Note to self: research why this would not be good.)
Understanding: It is important to perform this role for the function of society, and therefore, civilization. Ergo, without me, society and civilization would fall in upon itself and give way to chaos and anarchy, which, while O.K. for a fun time every now and then, should generally be avoided. (And the sacking of cities provides additional material for study, so whatevs.)
Even the bank teller can get in on the fun! For your own practice, see if you can fill out the diagram for the bank teller.
Bank Teller:
Facts:
Deduction:
Understanding:
Now that we see that you are the pinnacle of society, we must determine how it is that you are to fulfill your public role in society. That is, how you will relate to others and encourage their own development. (You are a leader after all, not an arrogant jerk.) But that will have to wait…
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