No Lifeguard on Duty
Some days it’s hard for me to say anything. It is as if the reason to speak disappears along with the means. Any common ground that might have existed between me and the world vanishes from under my feet like an iceberg in the sea. And I fall into a dark world – it’s silent and really cold. Stunt emotions and frozen ideas hang on to me like dead weight, pulling me further and further down into the womb of an unfathomable terror. I am once again alone.
I have been here before. I have drowned and survived to say so. Yet, past experiences do not make the present more bearable or less fearful. If at all, the cumulative memories only add to the sense of helplessness and anger in me. They destroy all sense of power and control over the moments of my life. I look into the eerie silence surrounding me and it echoes in my being.
‘Are you alright?’ I hear someone ask me.
I try not to look at their face. I am afraid they will see the fury rising in my eyes. Do you know that a seemingly innocent conversation can get you killed? If you keep asking me some more of these ‘concerned’ questions, I myself will do it.
In a different world, at a different time, I would have thought of a dozen different ways to greet you. Right now, I just want to try and avoid the ordeal of dealing with words. I find none that I can offer you. Human interaction is beyond me. Even the simplest ‘hello’ is replaced in my soul by a silence so heavy I can only but drown in this never-ending sea.
I close my eyes tightly. There are a hundred different voices, cackling like birds, talking about weather, office politics, rising prices, weight loss, the designer label that was launched last night… On and on they pour into my consciousness the burning lava of futility, and frustration. I see infanticide of dreams. My head spins. I need to say something. A ‘No!’ would suffice but I can’t find it. I can find nothing inside of me. No words, no meaning, no conscious choice except a boiling rage. It does not want to destroy the voices, or the world that gives them birth. No, it wants to destroy me for being so helpless against that world. It offers me no options. The silence within me is mercurial and merciless.
I am not a killer. I swim deeper into the darkness, away from the world that makes me so angry. The silence follows me.
